guest speaker

Since dr castle is the only person who ever reads my blog, and probably only does so since she has to, i'll be completely candid about my feelings regarding the presentation on suicide. obviously i walked out. i couldn't handle it, i couldn't deal. at the beginning of the semester i was engaged. i'm not anymore. 3 weeks ago, due to various reasons, we had a bad, messy, extremely emotional break up. 2 days after we broke up, my ex-fiancee attempted suicide. everything the speaker said just brought me right back to that night. he was going to kill himself and i couldn't stop him. he begged and begged me to take him back because he said if i wouldn't take him back he had nothing to live for. so i was either going to let him die or commit myself to an abusive, emotionally-destructive relationship. i ended up getting an emergency order from the magistrate in Harrisonburg to have him committed to the hospital in his area, as he was in a different location. i'm tortured by guilt and haunting thoughts that he will either become dislodged enough from reality to try to kill me or succeed in killing himself. i'm constantly afraid. my life has become a living hell. my only saving grace is when i'm around friends, that is the only time i feel safe. i trick myself into thinking that he won't try to hurt me when i'm around people, but i don't know. this blog took a much different turn from where it was supposed to be. but that's the truth. i find temporary happiness when i'm distracted by friends, family or class, but for the most part, i'm scared all the time. whatever. nobody reads this anyway.